Wants…..

Do you ever think about what you want in life?  I never used to; it used to just come so easy.  I wanted to hang out with friends, wanted to drive my car (I really enjoy driving), wanted to just do whatever.  Now……. now, those things seem so far away and the choices seem so much more abundant and harder to choose.

I still want those things, but I want so many other things too:

  • Want to own a house
  • Want to LOVE my job
  • Want to open a bowling alley in my little hometown
  • Want to be a stay-at-home mom
  • Want to work part-time
  • Want to learn to cut hair
  • Want to be a photographer
  • Want to run (well, slow jog) every.single.day
  • Want to learn to play tennis
  • Want to finish my college education
  • Want to teach middle school English
  • Want to have a good exercise routine
  • Want to not watch so much TV (but I sure do enjoy it)
  • Want to wake up happy and ready for my day
  • Want to love deeply, passionately
  • Want to be more kind, more gentle
  • Want to be a better friend
  • to be continued….

As you can see, I want so many things.  All of them attainable, all of them so far from my present state.  Honestly, I don’t really know what I want or how to get there, just that I need something more, or something different.

I guess in reality I’m just scared to decide what I really want, because then I might have to actually work at making it happen…..and then what? I wouldn’t have any more excuses (remember those excuses I talked about?).

There you have it folks; the real, true, grit of me and who I am (or am not).  Still want to keep reading?

Great! I’m glad you decided to keep on trucking with me.  I really love my life, honestly I do.  I just feel like it’s stalled out…..(I wonder if this is what a mid-life crisis feels likes, or reads like?).

My life is amazing, really amazing.  I have great friends….really, really amazing friends.  The kind of friends that you can call at 2:30 in the morning just to tell them you made it home safe…because those friends are sleeping with their phones waiting for that call.  The kind of friends that you can confide your biggest secret to with the faith of knowing they will never tell another soul.  I have the kind of friends that don’t judge you…no matter what.

I have family that is equally amazing.  Both my blood family and my in-laws….they’ll hold your hand and tell you it’s okay, even if it isn’t.  They love deeply and care deeply and push when they need to and hold back when it’s appropriate.

I have three, amazing, beautiful, smart, healthy, fun, energetic, compassionate kids.  They keep me going every day.  They love unconditionally and without judgment…..that’s my favorite quality that I see in them.  They don’t judge kids or adults because of weight, hair color, what kind of car someone drives or how big their house (or how clean their house is).

I also have my husband.  We are not without our faults…..we have definitely had our rough times; but I love that man.  He is my everything.  When I look at him I see my future.  I see us holding hands and going to our kids’ graduations and their weddings and taking care of grandbabies and so many other things.  I can’t imagine a future without him (and yes, I have tried, because our marriage is not perfect and has had some very trying times).  The thing is, even with the trying times, he is the man for me.  He’s the one that God made just for me.  He knows how to make me laugh and how to make me smile and how to make me feel like I’m the only girl in the room.  He’s tough and rugged but gentle and sweet and caring and sensitive.  He’s the perfect man for me…..I wouldn’t trade him for anything.

Basically, this is just a bunch of words that are always floating around in my head but I’ve decided to throw them down on paper….for anyone to read.  It’s scary but I’m hoping that from this I can make some choice and decisions.  I know I have to make some sacrifices in order to achieve the best life for my family.  It’s not the sacrificing that’s hard, it’s having faith that I make the right sacrifices.  It’s having faith in knowing that it will be the way God has planned.  So, do me a favor.  Pray for me.  Really pray for me and my perfect family.  Pray for faith and understanding and knowledge and patience.  Just pray.

~csd

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